The phone calls to us often start the same way: “My mom refuses to move out of her house, but she’s fallen several times already,” or “Dad insists on managing his investments, but we found unpaid bills and suspicious wire transfers.” These conversations reveal one of the most challenging dilemmas facing adult children today—when aging parents make choices that seem risky or unsafe. Here at AgingParents.com, we strategize with adult children on how to address these stressful situations. There are no easy solutions. Here is what we’re seeing.
The frustration in the adult children’s voices is palpable. They worry about their mother’s unsteady gait or father’s increasing confusion about financial matters. They have made many suggestions: getting help, moving to a safer environment with supervision, reasonable accommodation, even a medical alert system, or a phone that will detect falls. Yet they’re met with immediate resistance: “I’m not leaving my home,” or “I’ve managed my money for 50 years, and I don’t need help now.” Or “I’m fine, don’t worry.”
This standoff creates a painful paradox. The child is simply trying to prevent a disaster, but the parent experiences any suggestions as intrusions on their independence—the very independence they’ve spent a lifetime building and maintaining. This may sound familiar. Are your own aging loved ones just being stubborn? What is stopping them from doing what seems to be so obviously needed?
Understanding The Resistance
An aging parent’s refusal often stems from deeper fears and values rather than simple stubbornness. Consider what giving up control might represent to them:
- Loss of identity in living where they live and doing what they are used to doing;
- Denial about declining abilities, even while they know they are happening to them;
- Fear of change;
- Fear that their children’s suggestions mean that they are getting closer to the end of life; and
- Anxiety about what they see as loss of control over their lives.
When an aging parent says, “I’m fine on my own,” the hidden meaning beneath the words could mean, “I’m terrified of what comes next.”
Respectful Approaches
While there’s no perfect solution when presumably legally competent parents refuse assistance, several things can affect how much resistance they give. Some things to try:
1. Acknowledge that your suggestions may make them fearful.
Call it out. Ask if this is causing them distress. Encourage them to talk about their emotions. Listen without interruption.
How you communicate matters tremendously. Instead of repeatedly highlighting risks, focus conversations on preserving independence: “Mom, I want you to be able to stay in your home as long as possible. These small changes might help make that happen.” Frame suggestions as ways to maintain independence rather than relinquish it.
2. Enlist Trusted Allies
Sometimes parents are more receptive to advice from people outside the family. Consider whether another trusted family member, a physician, financial advisor, faith leader, or longtime friend might be willing to have a supportive conversation about your concerns. Discuss it with them ahead of time and develop a coordinated approach.
3. Implement Incremental Changes
Rather than pushing for dramatic moves like selling the house or surrendering financial control, suggest gradual adjustments. Perhaps start with a weekly caregiver/driver, a meal delivery service, setting up automatic bill payments or helping Mom or Dad manage the finances. Small successes can build trust for larger changes.
4. Explore Technology Solutions
Today’s technology offers many ways to enhance safety at home. Video doorbells, smart medication dispensers, fall detection devices, and remote monitoring systems can improve your peace of mind. The catch: they have to be willing to wear the device and take the medication in the dispenser, etc. Check with aging parents about their willingness to accept these tech devices.
5. Know When To Step Back
If even bringing up your concerns results in a blow-up, you need to reschedule the effort and try again later. Presumably “competent’ elders can fool everyone. They sound and look fine but if you ask Dad to do a math problem or calculate the tip at the restaurant and he can’t that is a clue that his competence for finances is sliding down. Try again on a schedule you set. Don’t give up just because of resistance.
When To Consider Other Intervention
If you observe signs of significant cognitive decline that impacts decision-making—memory loss, confusion about important facts, inability to understand consequences of decisions, or vulnerability to exploitation—it may be time to find out about getting a capacity evaluation from a testing psychologist. Standardized tests sanctioned by the American Psychological Association can be invaluable aids to revealing whether decision-making parts of the brain are impaired. It’s better than guessing. Medical doctors can do an initial screening. Then data from a psychologist using several tests can provide additional important detail. Test scores are not opinions. Hard data can offer guidance.
The Delicate Balance
We all recognize that a person has a right to self-determination. As one lawyer put it, “you have a right to make stupid decisions.” But when those decisions, or lack of ability to understand decisions’ impact is affecting parents’ safety, that reality must be weighed against independence. The right to self-determination can become the right to self-destruction. Do you want that? Weighing those two considerations—independence versus stopping danger—against one another is no easy task. And there may come a time for a respectful adult child to take control over many matters in a parent’s life so as to preserve that life.
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