We all know that everyone’s holiday meal is not like a picture perfect greeting card. There are plenty of jokes about this, a time that is supposed to be wonderful but isn’t. And sometimes it is wonderful. But at other times, those unfortunate historical conflicts emerge again when family gets together. Here are some thoughts about how to just let things be and take leadership in keeping the peace. Whether you are hosting, or attending, you can be responsible for a few small things that may avert or at least minimize discord.
1. Offer assistance even if not asked
Recognize that your elders are aging and may have less capability or energy to do the usual work of a get-together. No matter how well Mom or Dad has done in the past, offer to do more yourself, and keep an eye on the organization of any meal preparation and serving. Aging takes its toll, no matter how robust anyone seems.
2. Agreements
Suggest making some agreements with everyone at the outset. Think of what doesn’t work in your family. For example, “Can we agree to not talk politics for today?” In many families, all are not on the same page when it comes to these potentially divisive discussions. It’s best to keep them off limits. You know the cast of characters. Find where you can suggest setting some boundaries about what not to talk about at the table.
3. Recite positive recollections
Ask aging parents to tell stories about happy memories of the past. Even if you’ve heard them before, (maybe many times), it can be uplifting for your aging loved one to reminisce about things that brought them joy. They are, after all, the keepers of the family history and no one can replace them.
4. Understand limits when aging parents have dementia
Millions of older Americans suffer from memory loss, “Mild Cognitive Impairment” or dementia. This can limit their ability to keep up with what is going on in a group and to follow a conversation. You want to help them avoid getting confused or overwhelmed. Recognize that any form of cognitive decline can cause an elder to feel agitated or distressed in some way with bustle and noise. Watch for small signs of distress. Offer to steer them out of a noisy crowd for a rest or a bit of quiet time when you see it. Tune in with some sensitivity.
5. Do not respond to negativity
Sometimes a guest or relative may become obnoxious, critical or otherwise unpleasant at a family gathering. What comes out of their mouths can irritate or cause anger. In most situations like this, it can be helpful to just ignore what they say. Don’t respond at all. Avoid the temptation to argue with them, even if they’re completely wrong in any comment they make. Let it go. Not taking them on gives no fuel to the unpleasant behavior.
Perhaps taking leadership as a peacemaker can be a new role. We wish every reader a peaceful Thanksgiving and a way to find gratitude for what is good in your holiday.
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